• Reviving a spiritual connection with God to include daily prayer and devotion-Mmmm, I do think I revived my spiritual connection with God but I am nowhere near pleased  about my consistency and fervor that I know I need in this area. But there is progress still being made on this one and I am thankful that I did not go backwards, but in my heart and mind I have a desire to move forward.
• Practice healthy habits-drinking more water, exercise, better eating choices, and earlier bedtime-Overall, I would say I did a good job with this definitely in terms of my effort and awareness. I lost 25lbs this year and kept it off!! Although my original goal was to lose 40+ lbs, I am so thankful that I did something and maintained it. 
• Focus on work/life blending-saying no to some work activities or events so that I can spend more time at home-I started in a new role January 25 which was not part of the plan when I did my New Year’s resolutions. So the first few months of the year, the work/life blending was more of a blur than a blend just to get acclimated to the new job. But, later in the year I did get this better under control and things started to blend together definitely more.
• More intentionally focused time with my husband and children-I would give myself an average grade on this one. I was definitely more aware and tried to purposely plan time in to do this. I often would try to arrange my schedule some days so I could pick up kids early or keep the weekends and extra time free just so we could spend quiet time together at home. I was able to go on a field trip with Lauren’s class to the Alabama Theatre and made it to the annual Thanksgiving dinner at her school.
• Taking care of me-doing things for me even when I have to say NO to others-YEA!!! I took care of me this year more so than I have in the past. I became more comfortable with saying no to others if it meant that I was taking care of me. Some phone calls I let go to voicemail so I could give my kids focused attention at dinner instead of multitasking dipping food on the kids’ plates while a phone is glued to my ear. Other times I have said no to other people simply because it meant doing for them would cause myself to go lacking. I did not do this from a selfish standpoint, but did it to take care of me which has long been lacking. I have found that often times I took care of others  and their needs and I was left wanting and when I did not have anything left to give them, they were just fine and moved on either to the next person or were fine without me catering to their needs.

Would I have done those things without my set of New Years resolutions? I am not sure I would have had the focused and deliberate attention I did this year. I think mentally going through the exercise, documenting it and then verbalizing it to someone else gives your resolutions all a more firm foundation. So, as I approach 2012 I have some continued resolutions that I want to work on. My first resolution has cracked a few people up when I tell them:

1. Rewrite my DNA! Yes, that is right. People think that is so funny and then they quickly ask me “How are you going to do that?” I reply and say I do not know, but I plan to do it. Watching my family and observing my kids I come quickly to the conclusion that DNA is STRONG! It is amazing to me how my kids can act just like me and their dad without any training, coercing, or intentional transfer on our part. It is just in them. I guess that is what you call DNA. Well….they are certain things I do not like about myself on how I respond to things, things that I do and I ask myself “Why do I do that?’ It is my default character in situations and it is frankly my DNA that I was born with, uncultivated and unadulterated. Yet, I still want to change some of those unwanted tendencies and habits. Hence…the rewriting of my DNA. My first goal is acceptance of who I am and being ok that there are parts I love and there are some parts I love less. Second, I will work on awareness and use internal observation to check and gauge how I am responding to things and take an alternate approach when I am acting my “usual” way but the not the way I would like. Trust me..this will be a continued work in progress.

2. Lose 30 more lbs. in 2012. This is just a continuation of what I have already started in 2011 so I will just continue to persevere towards that goal. Part of this goal to live a better, healthier life is to try to run in a 5K this year. I am contemplating walking/running in my first 5K in May and this will be a huge accomplishment if I go through with it and pull it off.

3. Helping others- I have a continued desire to help others in any way that I can whether it be through finances, knowledge, material needs, etc. I think we are all blessed with something we can give to the cause of others and we often fail to do this. Going through the recent death in our family has shown me glimpses of how to be more compassionate and attuned to the needs of others. I simply want to help where I can.

4. Shaping the character of my children-Lauren will be 9 this year and Lucas will turn 4. Time is quickly moving and I feel like the clock has run off and left me when it comes to the work I feel I need to do with my children. I want them to become well-mannered, hard-working and ethical young people who are accountable for themselves and that have a compassion for others. But, most importantly I want to truly give them the gift of having a relationship with Christ. If they have that, all the other things will come in succession. So, my job this year is to be an example at home (which is why I have to re-write my DNA) and then tell them about the great example of God.

Four main things. All four are the work of a lifetime ,not just 365 days. But..there has to be a beginning in order for an ending or completion to come.

So…I will start on my journey today with a renewed commitment and desire to become a better me in 2012!

1. Being alive -With the recent passing of my brother in law, being alive tops my list this year and life has taken on a whole new meaning. Coming face to face with death causes you to truly appreciate life. When you see how quickly life can leave a person, you try not to take for granted life itself.
2. Being in good health -I am truly thankful for having a reasonable amount of good health. Being able to wake up each morning and move about on my own is a blessing and not to be taken lightly. I can put on my own clothes and do things for myself and not have someone take care of me.
3. My immediate family-I’ve been blessed with a wonderful husband and two wonderful kids. My kids truly bring me smiles when no one else can and they bring a certain level of order and balance to my life. They enhance my reasons to press on when I feel like I can’t take another step.
4. True friends-I saw firsthand who my true friends were during our recent ordeal. I experienced some hurt and disappointment at certain friends who “disappeared” during our difficult time and I thought out of all the people they would have been there. But on the contrary, to my surprise and gladness we had some true friends who unselfishly gave of their time and their prayers along the way. I’m truly grateful for every text, visit and call just to say how are you and let me know if you need anything. Some of the special memories are our friends that drove 5 hours to be with us on the night of Derrick’s death and a past co-worker that came to his funeral as an act of support for me. Those two memories took literally my breath away as I thought about their sacrifice and how much they demonstrated their care instead of just saying it.
5. Great Career-Wow! When I think about the career I’ve had, I’m in amazement at the progress and success I have had. I’m humbled by it all and can’t take any credit. I remember changing my major midstream and at the time I had no clue what I was doing and where I was going. But every step has been guided by God with every job and every experience. In a time of high unemployment, I’m grateful for a good job that I enjoy.

Not a long list, but an important list. Simply grateful.

Me…my pantry is not in alpha order and in my closet, you will find a red shirt next to a white shirt. But, in my pantry I like all the cereal boxes together and do not want my syrup by the spaghetti sauce. And in my closet, I want all my suits together and shirts together but the colors do not have to go from white to pink to lilac all the way to black. That to me equals a 7 and not a 10.

Well recently, I decided to take my closet organization to the next level and organize my shoes. I took pictures of all my shoes and then made labels to put on the outside of my shoe boxes so I can quickly know which shoes are in which box. I love it!!! It has made my mornings smooth because I am not flinging shoes all over the place and I am not opening five boxes to find my favorite pair of black heels.

I saw this idea a few years ago in a Costco magazine where this lady started a business with this same concept. Her business uses plastic holders that you drop the pictures in and then adhere that to your shoe box. I thought that it was a novel idea, but that novel idea came with an expensive tag. I decided I could do this myself and so I did with no money spent. I just spent a Sunday taking all my pictures and in my free time, I get a few pictures and tackle a few shoeboxes at a time. It has worked out great.

For starters, all lemonade is not created equal. Some are sweet and some are tart and some taste like water. I am picky about my food, but I am particular on my lemonade too. When I am out at a restaurant and want lemonade, I always ask the waiter if the lemonade is sweet or tart. I prefer sweet over tart. It is hard to find the right blend of sweet and tart, but I have finally found it in a bottle. It is refreshing and has a great, fresh taste as if it was freshly squeezed in your personal kitchen.

Simply also makes Orange Juice and Apple Juice which are great as well.

Herein lies the dilemma. I have painful proof in my heart that he is no longer here but I do not have any sensical or logical reason in my head to counter any of it as to why he is not here. He was not sick. He was not in a car accident. He was not any of those things. He was perfectly 100% healthy. I saw him last around 4:30 pm and two hours later he was gone. I sat there in disbelief telling myself this did not just happen. It is not humanly possible to be here one moment and gone the next one. But, all of the logic in my head got defied that day. The truths that I thought was truth were swept away like a big wave that comes to shore and washes away the sand. That leaves you feeling extremely hurt, confused, lost, and empty. You then start to feel like you are on sinking sand because what you thought was sure is no longer sure. What you thought couldn’t happen did happen. What you thought was impossible became possible right before your very eyes.

So, as I try to cope the reality pierces my heart. In crisis, your natural character rises to the top and begins to take over. My natural character and DNA is largely analytical and logical. In school, I needed to know why 2+2=4. It was not good enough for me to memorize my addition and multiplication. It needed to make sense. So, as my DNA begins to go to work and I analyze this situation, I continually come back void, frustrated and helpless. As I reach for logic to help ease my pain or at least soothe my hurt, there is no logic. There is no answer that makes sense on why he is no longer here. I feel like a desperate woman looking bef=hind Door Number 1,2,3  and frantically running around looking for the door that has the special thing behind it. In six weeks, I have not found the door or the special thing. Have you ever been on a scavenger hunt and you are running around with anticipation with the clock ticking trying to locate all your items and find the items before the clock runs out? I am on a hunt like that and I hear the tick tock of the clock in my heart that whispers to me “You will feel better” once you come to the place where you understand why he is dead. I think or I guess that if you lose a family member who has cancer, you grieve but then you may come to a resolution mentally at some point that “Oh, well they had cancer. They are in no more pain. We knew it was going to come to this.” I could be off base because I have not lived through that, but I am guessing you resolve it in your head WHY they are dead as you work through your grief. I have not been able to resolve the WHY. Nothing makes sense. This is what drives to comforting logic that “Oh, this is just a dream. I am dreaming and I am about to wake up and tell my husband all about it.” But….this morning I have hit a mark I guess and realized dreams just don’t last this long!

That is the truth for today. Some say truth will set you free. I am feeling more pain, but not freedom.

I wish it was only a dream…but unfortunately dreams do not last this long huh? I am not sure what is next, but I will continue to work through this grief as best as possible.

I am 36 hours past one of the roughest moments in my life-the execution of my wonderful, sweet and awesome brother-in-law. Where the “in-law” part is really formality, for he was my brother and I was his sister.  I even struggle with now whether to say “is” vs. “was”. A simple decision like that causes the tears to flow.
My emotions are very raw and I don’t adequately have the words to describe the intensity of the pain and hurt we all feel. I have extreme sadness and extreme anger simultaneously competing for space in my heart.
Sadness for the loss I deeply and personally feel. Sadness that I’m only left with memories of him, but void of him completely. Sadness that I no longer have the ability to see him, hug him and hear his voice. Sadness of all the things I will miss hearing him say. Sadness that the world did not get a chance to see and experience what a wonderful human being he was.

Anger at the cause of his death because it seems senseless, even though it was a consequence of previous behavior. Anger at our unfair legal system that allows and promotes death as payment for death. Anger that we watched innocently a perfectly healthy human being lose his life as we all watched him slip away within minutes. Here at 6:26 pm and gone at 6:27 pm. How is that even supposed to make sense or compute in my brain? Anger at those who “could” have done something, but cowardly chose not to for reasons beyond my comprehension.

The Bible says that death has a sting and I can emphatically say that is true. It stings, it burns, and it plainly hurts. I continue to struggle and daily have to come to grips with the finality of it all.That is the part that is consistently waving mentally through my head and my heart-that this is final and that Derrick is not coming back, not today, not tomorrow, and not in 20 years. FINAL. Finality stings really bad.

Other emotions that continue to surface are the constant reminders that he is dead. One example is the day after the funeral, I drove back to Birmingham and was off that day. I came home and took the opportunity to go to the grocery store while the kids were at school. As I was coming out of the grocery store, I thought to myself it was different shopping at 12 noon by yourself versus 5 pm with two kids. Then my next thought was the only reason I was able to shop at 12 noon and that I was not at work at that hour was because Derrick was dead. The tears started to flow right there in the Publix parking lot.

Other reminders surface when the house telephone rings…I think “Oh, it’s Derrick” but I remember that Derrick is dead. He was the only one that truly called our house number except telemarketers. So hearing the telephone ring is a trigger.

Another reminder is traveling down Interstate 65 South…recently I had to do this for a work trip I was headed to in Orange Beach. As I got closer to exit 57, emotions rose high and my mind played back all the events that happened the last time I was on that road. I vividly started to remember the last visit at the prison, the last hugs, and I remember the long drive back to the hotel after the execution. Sobering thoughts. But all thoughts that remind me that Derrick is no longer here. I often tell my husband that I am tired of talking about Derrick in the past tense. That is my feeble way of saying that I desperately wish I could talk about him in the present tense and wish he was here today.

We are past 36 hours and now at 30 days since the dreaded event. Do I feel better than I did on September 24? Not much different inside, but externally I have managed to cry 3-4 days a week instead of daily. Maybe that’s progress. I am not sure what future progress looks like and I am not sure what it feels like either. I wonder if the sting will lessen one day and I will no longer feel the sting and I will just know there is a scar there. With each new day, I continue to feel the sting.

I pray that one day, the tears will get further apart, the bad memories will fade into the distance and it is all replaced with a calming peace and remembrances of only the good times. And that those memories (good times) will bring a smile instead of a tear. I can only hope…

These can be seen in every gas station open, every day in every city. They usually run you from $2.99-$3.99 depending on the location. But, no matter what the cost-when you need it, you will pay premium dollar for it. I am typically not a “pop a pill, drink a drink to make you feel better” kind of girl. In fact, I abhor taking medicine altogether. But, thanks to my husband who is Mr. “I’ll try the newest med”-I have become a believer and spokesperson for these little 2 oz. bottles. I can attest that this bottle works 100%. There is no crash. There are no jitters. You just feel energetic and most importantly, you feel awake and functional. During the last 30 days dealing with our family crisis, sleep has been at a limited amount and just to get through the day is sometimes extremely difficult without snapping your neck into two pieces as your head leans forward like a free fall because you are so sleepy! I have taken these in desperate times albeit skeptical at first. The skepticism is now gone and belief and set in. Also, I was minimally comforted as well as a I looked at the ingredients on the back and was glad to see it has a negligible amount of caffeine and the rest are full of B-vitamins. They come in several flavors and they even have a maximum strength for the days your neck has already snapped in two and you need to put it back together. Happy swallowing!

I have included it below because 1) I am a proud mommy! and 2) she just may be a writer in the making!

My Cruise Story

When I went on my cruise, we went to Mexico.  It was really, really hot.  I drank a lot of water.  Sweat was pouring down my face!  I could feel myself getting weaker and weaker.  I was dragging myself. Every second felt like a minute.

I went swimming. I also went snorkeling. I had a blast!  I saw a starfish. I saw schools of fish. I even saw a fish that looked like Dorothy in the movie Finding Nemo.  I saw red, blue and purple fish.  When I saw a seahorse I almost screamed. I have never seen a seahorse before.  But luckily, I didn’t scream.

The guy who swam with me went down and blew a tiny ring. Then it grew and grew and grew.  Then he swam right through it.  I wondered how he could do this then, it hit me, this guy is a professional.  These are the fun things I did on my cruise.

Written By:  Lauren Mason

Marcus was hesitant at first for fear that Lucas was still small and too active to be on a big huge boat and it was unsafe. Now, Marcus is indeed right when it comes to Lucas’ activity level. He can be a force to be reckoned with and you literally have to come home in skates just to keep up with him. But I thought he surely is not the first 3-year-old that has gone on a cruise before, so I convinced Marcus to be brave and let’s take on the challenge of cruising with the kids.

I am glad we did. We had an absolutely wonderful time on the cruise and the kids enjoyed it as well. The greatest thing about the cruise that we enjoyed is that we all had our time. In one vacation, we had family time, couple time and alone time. We never get that. We all spent time together as a family each morning as we ate breakfast together and we would all do the excursions together as we docked on the islands. After we would come back from the excursions, the kids would go to Camp Carnival where they would spend the rest of the evening. This allowed Marcus and I to be able to have dinner together every night in the dining room uninterrupted. That was great! Then, there were other days when the kids would go to a special kids event on the ship and Marcus stayed in the room to study while I went and found bingo games and anything else that sounded interesting. I actually got back into reading while I was on the cruise and had a great time doing so.

We chose Carnival Cruise Lines for our cruise because of the great kids’ programs via Camp Carnival. They were open from 9am – 10 pm. absolutely free! After 10 pm, they charged a babysitting fee and was open until 3 am each night. Our ship was Elation and it was filled with about 2,500 cruise goers. We docked at Playa del Carmen (Cancun) and Cozumel and they were both magnificent.

Some of the highlights on our trip was Lauren snorkeled for the first time and both Lauren and Lucas rode a jet ski for the first time!! They were both more courageous and brave than I would have ever imagined.  Also, it was neat to experience Mexico and the beauty there. I wonder what it is like to live in place that is home for you, but just an attraction for millions. I wonder what it is like to live so close the water and on any day of the week, you can ride the waves, snorkel, beach bum it, or just see and hear the water. It sounds wonderful.

We had an awesome time and this will in fact go down in history as one of the best vacations ever.