Five Days and Anxiety

I’ve never been one to rush the calendar, especially in my older years. But all I can stomach these days is to get past the 22nd. Every moment between now and then is filled with uncertainty and anxiety. Derrick’s execution is scheduled for Sept. 22 which is a mere five days away. In my earlier post about this, I expressed my feelings at that time around the finality of all of this. I’ll repeat again that there is nothing in this world more final than death.
When we found out his execution date had been set, we were five weeks away and today we are five days away and still expecting with great anticipation a miracle. Do miracles come at the ninth hour? YES
We have already received one miracle last week on September 8 when we were notified that the judge who ruled in Derrick’s case went public and appealed to the governor to change the death sentence he had given Derrick! That was indeed a miracle. That gave us hope then and continues to give us hope now.

As we wait, our hearts are filled with lots of emotions and it sometimes feel as an emotional roller coaster with the constant effects of a roller coaster ride. You know how when you get off the roller coaster, you can have that sick feeling in your stomach moments after the ride is over? The “sick” feeling is pressing in deeply amidst all the anxiety. I have had some friends ask me about looking to find a support group for family members of those on death row. Unfortunately, I was unable to find anything. That was a sort of shock because one would think these days, there would  be a support group for just about anything and anywhere. I tried to reason in my head why this area would be lacking? It is it because society has deemed that as unimportant? Are the only victims truly the actual victim or family members of the victims? Just things that made me go hmmm….

I have never quite felt a nervous anticipation/anxiety like this and one that is so scary. As  I reflect back on my anticipatory moments, they consist of the night before my wedding, the night before a big trip, moments before a public speaking engagement. Nothing quite compares to the emotions over the last five weeks. The five weeks have gone pretty quickly and has been filled at times with emotions ranging from extreme hope to doubting despair. I have tried to speedily get up from the despair moments and move into a place of calm.When I get to calm, my heart is still anxious but it is manageable.

The next five days will be hard days but we are anxiously awaiting a miracle even if it’s the ninth hour.

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