It has been about six weeks since Derrick’s death and sadly I am still in a state of disbelief and asking myself if this is the longest dream I have ever had? It
feels like I wish I was waking up and will tell everyone you will never believe the dream I just had. But, I am sadly realizing with my tears that dreams just don’t last this long. So if it is not a dream, then what is it? My brain desperately needs for something to make sense. And if a six week dream is not logical, then I am struggling to find what is. Surely if a six week dream is beyond the bounds, then Derrick being dead has to be out of bounds too, right?
Herein lies the dilemma. I have painful proof in my heart that he is no longer here but I do not have any sensical or logical reason in my head to counter any of it as to why he is not here. He was not sick. He was not in a car accident. He was not any of those things. He was perfectly 100% healthy. I saw him last around 4:30 pm and two hours later he was gone. I sat there in disbelief telling myself this did not just happen. It is not humanly possible to be here one moment and gone the next one. But, all of the logic in my head got defied that day. The truths that I thought was truth were swept away like a big wave that comes to shore and washes away the sand. That leaves you feeling extremely hurt, confused, lost, and empty. You then start to feel like you are on sinking sand because what you thought was sure is no longer sure. What you thought couldn’t happen did happen. What you thought was impossible became possible right before your very eyes.
So, as I try to cope the reality pierces my heart. In crisis, your natural character rises to the top and begins to take over. My natural character and DNA is largely analytical and logical. In school, I needed to know why 2+2=4. It was not good enough for me to memorize my addition and multiplication. It needed to make sense. So, as my DNA begins to go to work and I analyze this situation, I continually come back void, frustrated and helpless. As I reach for logic to help ease my pain or at least soothe my hurt, there is no logic. There is no answer that makes sense on why he is no longer here. I feel like a desperate woman looking bef=hind Door Number 1,2,3 and frantically running around looking for the door that has the special thing behind it. In six weeks, I have not found the door or the special thing. Have you ever been on a scavenger hunt and you are running around with anticipation with the clock ticking trying to locate all your items and find the items before the clock runs out? I am on a hunt like that and I hear the tick tock of the clock in my heart that whispers to me “You will feel better” once you come to the place where you understand why he is dead. I think or I guess that if you lose a family member who has cancer, you grieve but then you may come to a resolution mentally at some point that “Oh, well they had cancer. They are in no more pain. We knew it was going to come to this.” I could be off base because I have not lived through that, but I am guessing you resolve it in your head WHY they are dead as you work through your grief. I have not been able to resolve the WHY. Nothing makes sense. This is what drives to comforting logic that “Oh, this is just a dream. I am dreaming and I am about to wake up and tell my husband all about it.” But….this morning I have hit a mark I guess and realized dreams just don’t last this long!
That is the truth for today. Some say truth will set you free. I am feeling more pain, but not freedom.
I wish it was only a dream…but unfortunately dreams do not last this long huh? I am not sure what is next, but I will continue to work through this grief as best as possible.